Dear You Know Who You Are:

I carried her for 9 and a half months in my body. I was in labor with her for 27 hours. Make no mistake about it, that girl is mine! I loaned her to you to love, to honor and to respect. Last night marked the second time she called me because you decided I gave her to you to use as your property to do with as you wish.

The first time you had the balls to lay your hands on her. Good thing for you that you didn't think to actually hit her but grabbing a hold of her was bad enough. I tried to accept you. I stood up for you on more then one occasion because I felt you deserved a second chance in life. I will NEVER make that mistake again.

You use beer as an excuse, if you weren't drinking you wouldn't have gotten mad. Easy fix, stay the hell away from alcohol. You say she is your whole world and you love her more then anything, she doesn't need that kind of love! I didn't raise her to be your punching bag, mentally, emotionally or physically. I did raise her however to be fiercely independent and her brothers taught her all her life how to kick YOUR ass!!

You took advantage of a young girl. She got pregnant and somehow you had her believing she couldn't raise the baby without you. I thank God daily that she is starting to see that she already does. I see what you are doing, you are escalating as her eyes become wider open. You started out with a sharp tongue. Then you got a little more controlling with your "love". Now you have grabbed her. Believe me, I know what happens next.

I'm in a bit of a giving mood right now so let me give you a couple reminders.

1. You have met pretty much all of her family. You have seen with your own eyes, the guys out number the girls vastly. Because of that, those guys are very protective of the female parts of the family. Trust me, they all stick together so it won't be just one of them you have to deal with. You will deal with pretty much all of them. First her dad, then her brothers, and it will trickle down from there.
2. Her dad and your probation officer are old high school friends.
3. The person that signed your bond, is one of those protective family members I told you about earlier.
4. Your bondsman, is a very old friend of mine.

So, If I were you I would get my act together pretty damn quick! Better yet? Go ahead, hit her, I.FUCKING.DARE.YOU!!!

Sincerly,

Your Worst Nightmare

Every Tuesday Kate does random thoughts so I figured what the hell.

• Since our move we haven't been able to get our Dish Network set back up for one reason or another. Right now we are waiting on our new Smart Card to come in the mail and hopefully that will be the last thing we have to do. We have been watching and re-watching DVDs and it has gotten a little tiresome. I finally remembered the old rabbit ears and converter box. Let me just say the digital transition is not best for every one! IT SUCKS ASS!! I was watching a damn good movie the other night and every time someone moved anywhere in the house the movie went off. I didn't have that problem when it was still analog.
• When Jeff and I split up he got custody of mine and Dj's cell phones. The account was in his name and I couldn't afford them and both of us had two of them anyway so it wasn't that big of a deal. But, it absolutely killed me to hand my phone, my lifeline, over to him. Now that we are back together I have my phone back. I have absolutely no use for it anymore. I rarely even carry either of my phones now and barely use them enough to need to charge them more then once a week.
• My counselor comes to see me today. A couple weeks ago she asked me if I wanted to continue seeing her because I seem to be doing better now then what I was when we started. I decided it was probably a good idea to still see her for a bit because there are a couple bags of crazy that haven't even been taken out of the trunk yet much less unpacked! I really like her. She is pretty fun to talk to.
• If any one has come good blog recommendations I sure would appreciate it. I read several blogs and I think it's about time to cull the herd. I've lost interest in a few so I think it is time for replacements. I try to look at some on blog rolls but I tend to feel guilty for clicking on one blog and not another. It becomes a chore because I feel like I have to look at every blog in the roll. (See a whole bag of fucked up right there!)
• I'm sure there is something else that I wanted to say but I have no clue what it was so I guess I will leave it at that and get some actual work done. (I'm probably lying about getting work done.)

This morning Jeff woke me up with a beautiful orange rose in his hand. He grabbed a vase and filled it and put the rose in it for me.

As he was leaving for work I noticed some real pretty yellow weeds growing in the yard and thought they would make that rose really pop in the vase it was in. I told him "I wish I had a few of those yellow weeds out there to put in with it."

Jeff walked over and picked a few of them for me and cleaned them up and handed them to me. He kissed me and went off to work. I took them in and put them in the vase with the rose. I was right they made that rose look even better.

Then I felt the itch in my right eye. It started to water. Then came the first sneeze. My eye started to swell. I hurried up and got ready for work and left.

I forgot to get rid of the weeds. I will probably swell up again tonight when I get rid of those weeds!

1. If you go into a store with only one employee and ask to use the bathroom, clean up after yourself. When that one employee knows she didn't shit all over the bathroom, she will remember who did and point you out to whoever she happens to be with the next time she sees you.
2. Along the lines of only one employee, it occurred to me earlier that when I screw up some one's account, I have no one to blame. That kinda sucks.
3. I told Kate that I might blog about my Starbucks experience today but I decided it was probably only funny to me.
4. I made lasagna last night. I haven't made it in years. I have to say that I surprised the shit out of myself because it turned out pretty damn good!
5. Things are going good at home right now. We have gotten into a new routine that is really nice and hopefully help the two of us stay connected. After work we grab a drink and go sit out on the back porch and just talk while supper is cooking. Then we head for the recliners to let the tv play while we take a nap before bedtime.
6. Bradley started his new job today. Dj had her interview to work at Wal Mart today and her drug test. I'm excited for them.
7. I think I have bored every one enough for one day so I will just say good bye!

With this face! He has to be the happiest baby I

I figure it's about time I started blogging again. Several good things have happened in the past couple weeks and I wanted to share them.

1. Saturday two weeks ago I finally decided to go out with some friends. I had a lot of fun. I got home about 3:00 am to find Jeff had walked about 8 miles to ask me to take him back. At that time it was late and I was tired I told him to get to sleep and we would talk when he got off work the next day. He told me he had already taken the day off. I almost fainted. (Jeff is an overly obsessed workaholic. Nothing comes between him and going to work.)
2. We have been back together 2 weeks now and things feel different. They feel new again. I told him that I would not invest myself in this marriage until I felt safe again. He is doing everything in his power and then some to make that happen.
3. We moved. I love my new place. We finally finished up moving Thursday night. We decided we needed a new place to make a fresh start. Too many bad memories and thoughts swirling around the house we were in.
4. Friday and Saturday night we went to the rodeo. We had free tickets for Saturday night but had to buy them for Friday night. When you buy tickets you get entered into a drawing that takes place the last night. The adult prize was $300 and the kid prize was $50. I won $300!! I've been going to the rodeo and entering the drawings for nearly 20 years now, it's the first time I have ever won anything.
5. Jeff and Bradley finally made peace with each other this past week over the fight they had back in February.

And now for the funny.

Dylan left to go to summer camp yesterday. We were driving down the road talking and had this conversation:

Me: "Did you pack your towel?"

Him: "Yes"

Me: "Did you pack your washcloth?"

Him: "No"

Me: "And how do you plan on getting clean?"

*He held up his hand and started waving it.*

Me: "You know you have other parts besides your pecker that need to be clean!"

Him: "Oh! Well, you can sure bet at least its pearly white!"

It happened almost a month ago. The world as I know it kind of came crashing down around me. My husband left me. We had a small fight the night before because of something he said. He told me that he loves me and he knows that all he does lately is hurt me so he felt it best he leave.

Things kind of went down hill from there for me. I can't stand to be alone but right now I can't stand to have people around me either. Every day brings something new for me to deal with and I just don't quite know how to deal with everything.

Yesterday something happened that really made me face reality. It hit me that it was time for me to face the true facts and not the facts as I wanted them to be. I had to call my counselor and when I told her what was going on she didn't pull any punches. She made me realize that I have put a protective wall around him and it should be around me. I'm so worried about how he is doing that I haven't taken the time to worry about me.

I took a big step after we talked. He called me and I ignored his call. He called me five or six more times and I ignored those calls as well. He finally text me and I told him I couldn't talk to him about what was going on because it is just me getting my hopes up again only to be let down. The day ended on a good note. I felt a little empowered.

Today is a bad day.