Thank you Unknown Man for taking my phone call. I appreciate the fact that you just let me spend 5 minutes of my time and yours cussing you like a dog, and you still called me ma'am. I do realize that you are not solely responsible for my rage but it was you and you alone that allowed me to get it all out. Thank you...you made my day and I am now a happy person once again.

Me: I think I am gonna drown you.
Her: Ok
Me: You sure?
Her: Well, I think you can do better then drowning me.
Me: Poke you with a straight pin until you bleed out?
Her: Come on Mom...If I'm gonna let you do this the least you can do is be creative!

I wish I had some awesome stories to tell of my week alone. But, unfortunately the dog and cat made me promise to keep quiet about the parties. Apparently Robin gets upset when they get jiggy with it. So, here is the story that you get:
Wednesday I worked my ass off and crocheted quite a bit. I pretty much watched movies all day while I worked and crocheted. About 1 am I dyed my hair orange. You can't really tell just how bright it is by the picture. But, trust me, it's damn bright!
Thursday I sat around in my T shirt eating donuts and pizza rolls. Did some more work, some more crocheting and watching more tv. My daughter chewed my ass a bit because I didn't go eat with my ex husband's family. I was invited but didn't feel like it would be very comfortable for his new wife. I'll go see the family soon. I miss them a lot.
Yesterday was spent pretty much the same way except I shook it up a bit by playing with my camera. I'm restless as hell and want to just get out and go. Due to my recent incarceration I'm a wee bit on the timid side right now. So, I will just sit here until Robin gets home tomorrow doing my thing then I will talk her damn ear off. And I promise Shiloh and Kitty that I will not spill the beans about the hula dancer!

Guess who is home alone for the rest of the week! Robin took the kids to meet up with their dad just a little while ago. Now it's just me for the rest of the week. Whatever shall I do with myself?

Last Sunday afternoon I was minding my own business at Robin's house (Yeah we all know that's a lie) when I get a text from Robin stating her unwavering need for her blow dryer. So like a little trooper I load up and drive the 12 miles to the motel she is at and give it to her. I sat on the bed talking to her and drinking a beer or two (really, I swear, it was just two) and texting someone else for a couple hours. I then decide it's time for me to head home so I load up and go.
I was cruising down Hwy 3 doing a mild 72 mph when a state trooper comes towards me. I immediately start praying to no avail. He whips it around and heads after me. I get my car all shut down by the time he walks up to my window and asks for my driver's license and insurance verification. Well it dawns on me that my license is sitting back at Robin's on her desk. I tell him that and then I confess to no insurance. He takes me back to his car and calls in my information and it comes back that my license is flagged, apparently suspended. I just looked at him and said "Guess this means you gotta haul me in?" He told me that was exactly what it means and asks me to step out of the car. I got out and turned around, put my hands behind my back and he cuffed me. (He was cute but that wasn't exactly what I had in mind for handcuffs.) He then stuffed me back in the front seat of the car.
He asked me if I had anyone I could call and I told him yes but I needed my phone out of my car because it had all my numbers in it. He went and got my phone out of the car and set it in my lap. While he was searching my car I reached around and grabbed my phone and started texting everyone to let them know what was going on. Each message that I sent simply said I am getting arrested. Billie comes back with Are you shittin me? Robin comes back with Yeah whatever. My kid comes back with OK. Then the trooper gets back in the car and says "No texting ma'am" and takes my phone from me and does the little drunk test with my eyes and his pen. I passed I guess. They came and got my car and towed it and then he took me to Antler's Jail. I told him this was definitely not on my top ten to do list before I die and he laughs at me. While in route to the jail my phone is steady going off with text messages being sent to me. (I saved them all and will post them here) LOL
After we got to the jail they ask if I'm violent and I said I'm mostly non violent. I started cleaning out my pockets for them. I had cash in each pocket, sorted out because of what each had to pay for. They pick at me cause I keep pulling it out. They inventory everything then tell me they need to inventory the clothes I am wearing. Of course I can't go to jail in a plain non descript t shirt...I'm wearing one that boldly says TESTICLE FESTIVAL! They fingerprinted me and I kept laughing. I told the deputy I know I probably should be crying and going all girl but I can't...it's too damn funny. One deputy tells me that I can now officially tell people that I've been in and I ain't scared to go back.
They finally locked me up. I was in there with a woman telling me her whole life story and a guy begging me to drop my cigarettes by the toilet. He wouldn't listen to me that they were in my car that was locked up quicker then I was. After about 15 minutes they come and get me back out cause my drunk friend Robin and the bondsman had finally showed up to get me. They did my mug shot which I couldn't keep a straight face for then had me signing a whole bunch of papers. Before I left they offered me a job. :) As I was heading out the door the deputy told me again to remember to not take shit from anyone and I left with these final words "I'll tell them I've been on the inside and I know how it works. I'll put the smackdown on your candy ass!" The bondsman looked at them and said "I can't believe you corrupted her!"
After I got out to the car I was finally able to read all the messages I had. Most were from Robin and I saved everyone to share here. Luvs ya bitch! :)
1) Yeah Whatever (when I got that one I could no longer respond to them)
2)Don't fuck with me about that.
3)Are you really serious, cause if not I will be pissed and if so do I need to call Lil Joe?
4)And if your fucking lying and I go to the police station I will kick your ass. Cause I'm fixing to head that way.
5)K I'm really upset now, went to cop station, can't walk in cause I'm drunk and I'm really worried now and if it's a fucking joke don't worry about responding.
By the time the last one came she called and found out that I wasn't playing around about it. I really was in there! LOL I went to court yesterday and they said if I bring my license and insurance verification back by December 27 they will drop all charges. If you ever feel the need to be arrested make sure it's near Antler's, Oklahoma. I highly recommend the people there.

I have the best group of friends anyone could ask for. I have no clue how I got so lucky but I thank God everyday that I did. Someday I hope to be able to grow up and have half the heart as you guys!

I got arrested and my car impounded. It was a first for me and wasn't at all what I expected. Thank god for small town jails. And thank god for drunk friends that come and bail you out!

Part of you wants to dig in your heels, but your intuition is telling you something different. Listen to it. Remain flexible, and you can take advantage of all the perks being offered to you -- and more.

That's my horoscope for tomorrow. I can't decide if I think it's good or not. I do have something goin on in my life that I want to give in to but I am holding back somewhat. But is it my intuition that tells me to hold back or my stupidity telling me to hold back? Do the perks come from holding back or from letting go? O well I guess only time will tell and then I promise to tell.

I met Cathi many years ago online. We hit it off instantly and talked daily. She passed away a year ago and not a day goes by that I don't miss her. I met her in person a couple years before she passed away. We had so much fun that day just running around at the mall and bullshitting.
Cathi inspired me in so many way. She helped me thru my bad times and bitch slapped me when I was being stupid. She helped me sail thru my Freshman Comp classes by kicking me in the ass to make me write all my papers and then proofreading them. She made me want to get my thoughts out and into writing if for no other reason then to purge my brain from time to time. Other then this blog I haven't wrote a thing since she passed. I guess I started ignoring my muse because I know she hasn't left me.
Cathi saw the beauty of the world and documented it always. Her website is still very much alive thanks to her brother. Take the time to go and get to know my friend. She is worth the read.
I love you Cathi and May you rest in peace my friend. Heronwing.

We won the Super Bowl!!!! This is the spot that I would be showing you some really cool pictures or videos. I would if my camera wasn't a piece of shit and deleted all the pictures before I could get them acquired!
The boys played an awesome game! There were a lot of penalties on both sides because they got so excited they just took off most of the time. It was a hard win but it was a good one. The final score was 8-6! Each boy was presented with two trophies; a team trophy and a super bowl trophy.
*That's Dylan a couple months ago. He is showing off his first zit.*

If you decide you want to talk to me today please stop and ask yourself these two really easy questions:
Do I stand up to pee? Is what I'm about to say make me sound like I should be a two year old?
If you answered yes to these questions...Shut the hell up already!!! I'm tired of babying you. I'm not your mommy. I never changed your diapers. Get over yourself and do something about your problem instead of whining to me about it not getting done.
*I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.*

When I was 4 my mom married a man that was in the Army. We lived at Ft. Rucker in Alabama. I loved driving on base in the evenings. I loved how busy it was and all of a sudden everything stopped because they were lowering the flag. I remember sitting in the backseat of the car watching as the man got out of the car and saluted. I remember having this feeling at the time that I couldn't identify. I now know that it was pride.
Our great grandparents started instilling in us pride for our country when we were very young. Although I never really understood the full importance of the flag until the man came into our lives. I don't really remember a whole lot about that time in my life but I do remember his friends coming to our house and I remember them sharing stories with us about their lives. I remember the pride on their faces when my brother and I realized the importance of the stories they were telling us. I remember feeling like we were a part of a huge family with many aunts and uncles there for us at all times.
If I were to see any of them today I wouldn't know them. Their faces are fuzzy in my memory but I remember those uniforms and knowing that when I saw someone in it I was safe. I am thankful for everyone of them that came into my life. They helped to shape me into the person that I am today.

I have figured out a few truths about myself in the past week. Since I can't figure out how to sugar coat it, I'm just gonna lay it out there.
I think I am somewhat masochistic. I love coffee. I feel my day hasn't started right if it starts without it. (Not sure my day really starts at all without it.) Yet, I never remember to buy it when I go to the store. I am always out of coffee. I went a month or so forgetting to buy it. Why do I do this to myself?
I have also figured out that I am really not the compassionate person I always that I was. I have been thinking a lot about suicide. Not actually killing myself, just suicide in general. I do believe there are a lot of truly depressed people out there that make the decision to do it. I do have compassion for those people and if I ever ran across them I would be the first one to try and talk them out of it.
Twice in my life I have made the attempt. Thanks be to God I wasn't able to follow through for one weird reason or another. There was always an intervention. After the second time I decided I'm meant to stay here to work through whatever the plan for my life is. I have decided that it would be a very cowardly and selfish thing for me to do and I can't actually see myself ever trying it again. I'm stronger then that. Both times that the attempt was about to be made it never even crossed my mind to tell someone I was about to do it. It was personal and I didn't want to be saved.
I also think there are a lot of people out there that say they are going to do it just to be the drama queens that they are. These people irritate me to no end. Years ago a guy showed me these little bead like things and said that when mixed with water they are deadly and if things didn't go his way that night he was gonna drink them. After many hours of trying to bully the woman of his dreams into loving him didn't pay off he pulled out his trump card, those little pink beads. For another hour or so I heard him whining to her about if she didn't come back to him his life wasn't worth living and he was going to kill himself.
When I couldn't take it anymore I grabbed the beads from him, put them in a cup and filled it with water. I handed it over and said "Hurry up...I need to sleep cause I got school tomorrow!" Of course he didn't drink it. He never had any intention of drinking it just wanted to put on a good show.
I don't think I would be much positive help at a suicide helpline. I just can't muster up the compassion to deal with drama queens. Which in turn might make me too bitter to deal with the people that have a real need to talk and be loved even if it's just for a few minutes.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, reconsider. If you go out like that you not only lose but you make the ones that are causing you the grief the winners in this game. Give things another shot....you just might find out what an awesome person your are.
To those that are just using the suicide card to get attention or to bully someone into doing your bidding...please don't come to me for attention. I think the only thing I could tell you would be go for it, it's time to cull the herd!

It's been a long day. But it's been a great day. Dylan had a football game. It was the make or break game of the season. Winning today meant going to the Super Bowl next weekend. Losing meant no more football practice this year.
I am very pleased to say that those little guys got out there and played their hearts out. They won 12 - 6! Next week they play in the Little League Super Bowl. I got tickled because I heard someone behind us tell one of the players. "I know why you were running so hard. I hate to tell you but they said Super Bowl, not Supper Bowl!" I almost fell out.
I got home about 5:00 and layed down for a little while. I had a raging headache. Dylan finally got me to wake up and I took him to the Fall Festival. That little place was crowded. Now I'm home and gonna do some work and go to bed. I refuse to get out of bed early tomorrow morning. I make this promise to all....If you try and wake me up, there will be hell to pay.

That's my Mom and Dad. Today my Mom would have turned 53.

I wonder if she knows how truly beautiful she is. She has timeless beauty and so much heart.
I wonder if she knows I'm glad we're not sisters so that we can be the friends that we are.
I wonder if he knows I say no because eventually I won't be able to seperate it.
I wonder if he knows how proud I am to be his mom.
I wonder if she knows how I thank god for her every day.
I wonder if he will ever figure out that I am not the one.
I wonder if he knows how much I appreciate him for just walking away from me like he did.
I wonder if he knows how proud I am of the man he has grown to be.
I wonder if she knows how relieved I was when I realized she was the one that could save him.
I wonder if I am the only one that hears my voice sometimes.

The past few weeks I have been a bit introspective so I thought doing this would be easy. Turns out it was harder to come up with 100 things then I thought it would be.
100 Things
I have a serious Popsicle addiction.
I love ice cream almost as much.
I think people that only eat vanilla are weird.
I have sampled all the flavors at Baskin Robbins at one time and then not purchased anything because I was full.
I talk in my sleep.
And I walk occasionally too.
I also snore. (I am a real bitch to sleep with)
I have a serious aversion to my hair being all one color.
I have been known to change the color of the streaks in my hair every week.
My hair has been completely purple, blue and red and streaked those and many more colors. (Not all at one time.)
I have an affinity for truck drivers.
I think more like a man then I do a woman.
If I was a man I would be gay.
Odd people amuse me.
Stupid people annoy me.
Smart people stimulate me.
Hot guys make me horny.
I have a potty mouth.
I can't say or hear the word potty without giggling.
I want a man that will do anything I tell him to do.
I need a man that is smart enough to know that I would never respect him if he did.
I am very uncomfortable being the center of attention.
It is very hard for me to accept compliments.
I think if I ignore problems they will go away.
I am usually wrong about that.
I am mostly non violent.
Smashing up a car with a baseball bat is on my top 10 to-do list before I die.
I used to have a suspended driver's license.
I also had three bench warrants.
I'm not a bad person...I just couldn't afford to pay the tickets .
When I eat a sandwich I always eat the crust off of it first.
If by chance I have two...I eat the crust off both of them before eating either of them.
I have two piercings.
I have one tattoo.
I want one more of each.
I have an extensive vocabulary.
I love to whip out big words on stupid people.
I have a sick sense of humor.
I love getting advice from my boss.
I love fighting with my boss because he is good at arguing.
My boss is one of the very few people that have left me speechless in an argument.
I once took the week long training course to sell vacuum cleaners door to door because I was bored.
I think immediately is a fun word to say.
If I am asked a direct question I can not lie.
If I do manage to spit out a lie...five minutes later I will tell you that I just lied.
Other then my kids, there are only 5 people in this entire world that I really care what they think about me.
I would die to save any one of them.
I mean that with all my heart.
Almost all of them know that.
One of them wouldn't believe me unless I showed him.
My mind sometimes scares me.
I have a lot of devious thoughts.
I only act on them when someone hurts my feelings.
My favorite color is Orange.
I always have something to drink near me.
It is usually sweet tea.
I love to drink Southern Comfort.
I prefer it to be straight.
Those are the only three things I can say exactly what my favorite is.
I love to dance.
I think I'm fairly good at it even when I'm not drunk.
I have a warped sense of right and wrong.
I am afraid of geese.
I hate having my picture taken.
But I love to stand in front of the mirror and take my own pictures.
My brother once hit me in the head with an ax.
He also tried to push me down a flight of stairs.
I hit him with a refrigerator door.
I really do love my brother.
I always forget to put gas in my car until it's too late.
I am not a morning person.
I am a very lazy person.
I love to crochet but usually only do it in the winter.
I never sell the things I make.
I just give it all away.
I have a yarn addiction.
I would love to go to a yarn store and wallow in a big pile of yarn.
Billie and I want to start our own yarn shop.
If someone tries to make me talk to them, I clam up. Can't make myself say a word.
I make it a regular practice to tell everyone I love that I love them.
It scares the hell out of me to think that a man will someday say he loves me and mean it.
I'm scared of heights.
I got drunk once and danced around a water tower.
I slept on a sidewalk once cause no one would take me home.
I was four hours away from home.
I flashed my boobs at a couple cops.
More then once.
I am very disorganized.
I can usually find my things pretty easily though.
I have a short attention span.
I am very easily sidetracked.
I am easily amused.
I can NOT tell myself no.
I am a sucker for men with accents.
I love to say things just to see the look on some one's face.
Once when I was 8 months pregnant someone asked when my baby was due. I told her flatly that I wasn't pregnant and walked out the door in a huff.
I loved every minute of being pregnant.
Perky people frighten me.
I will not go swimming because I hate to wear bathing suits.
After writing this I now know why I am such a freak magnet.