Ever since I woke up this morning I have been running the gamut of feelings. Today feels like Christmas Eve. When I wake up tomorrow there is hopefully going to be a present. I can't wait to meet my grandchild. I told Dj that once this baby gets here I am done with her.

Then I sit and I am so worried about what is ahead for MY baby. All the pain that she is going to go through tomorrow. All the heart ache and worry that she will be going through for the rest of her life. I know it's all worth it and I know the joys far outweigh the heart ache but still. This is my one and only daughter, my baby girl, about to be a mother and I'm scared shit less!

After that I was sitting at Sonic. The thought occurred to me how excited my mom would be about this baby. I just sat and cried because this baby will never know her great grandmother and how awesome she was at being a granny.

Now, I'm just bordering on loopy. This baby is coming from a long line of alcoholics and recreational drug users. (My parents, I dabbled years ago, people on her dad's side, you get the picture) Anyway, what if she likes the drugs she is about to be given and we can't get her to leave?

Then there is the balloon thing. They are inducing her labor by inserting a balloon into her cervix. (I'm not sure entirely how that works but I'm thinking like the stick in a turkey. When the balloon falls out, it's time.) I wonder if the balloon is imprinted with HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Dj had a doctor's appointment Monday. I told him I needed something to do and asked him if he would induce her that night. He said that she needed another 3 days before that can happen.

If she doesn't have the baby beforehand they are going to induce her Friday morning at 9:00am. With any luck Monday morning I will be posting pictures of my first ever grandchild!

It'll be the perfect way to end the month!

First the update: I got a phone call from Dj last night about 11:30. I think we are moving into the early stages of labor. Nothing intense yet but maybe by the end of the weekend I'll be a grandma! I'll let you know Monday.

Now the favor: I have about 3 or 4 regular readers on here. I have emailed back and forth with all of you from time to time. Well, the other day I was in one of those moods and I ended up deleting emails without saving email addresses. I have something I want to tell you before I post it here. :) It will probably be Monday morning before I can email you back because I don't know if my sad little phone will hold a signal at my house long enough to email. undomestication@gmail.com

Thanks and I'm outta here for the weekend!

I want to thank everyone for the emails and comments of concern. Even though I really couldn't answer them they made me feel so much better just knowing some one cared. I want to say I'm sorry for the weirdness that I did manage to post. I have a philosophy when it comes to my emotions that I really live by: I feel what I feel, when I feel it.

I'm not going to go into the details of what made me take the hiatus but I will share some of what happened to prompt my latest freaked out post.

I have never really held back about my feelings for Bradley. Since he has come to live over here I have gotten to know him quite a bit. He is one of the sweetest boys I have ever met. He really does care about people but, he makes some really bad decisions. He was thrown out of his house about a year ago and has been pretty much living from house to house with anyone that would take him in for a night or two.

He finally came to live with with us. He made some really bad choices while he was here as well and Jeff told him one more fuck up and he was gone from our house. He apologized to all of us for the things he had done and acted like he was going to straighten up.

Then last Thursday happened. His mom called him and said some cops came knocking at her door looking for him and said they had a felony warrant for him. Apparently last June he delivered some weed to an undercover cop. He ended up being part of a state wide round up. I called Jeff and told him about it.

Jeff called a cop friend of ours and turned him in. Now, I really have no problems with him doing that because Bradley had court the next day and would have been arrested anyway. The part I had a problem with was I was at work. I couldn't leave to be with Dj while it was all going on. His idea to solve that was to come get Bradley and take him some where else to have him arrested. Jeff romped on him pretty hard while they waited on the cops.

That night Dj left and went to her cousin's house. They bailed him out of jail and they have stayed at the cousin's ever since. Bradley is currently not allowed back in my house so Dj decided she won't move back in my house either.

She has decided to go live with her dad until the baby is born so that she can still see Bradley on a regular basis. It was hard as hell to do but I told her for all intents and purposes she is grown now and can make this decision on her own. I won't stop her.

Her plan is, and after a lot of thought it's a good one, to stay with her dad until the baby is born and things have cooled down at the house. Her dad lives 10 minutes from the hospital and I live about 40. So for the interest of the baby it is probably better that she stays there. It's just keeping me on edge to not be able to sit on top of her right now. And I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for my baby to be leaving my house.

That at my local Wal Mart I can buy 12 double rolls of toilet paper for less then I can buy 24 single rolls of the same brand?

Well, now you do.

My life took another hard turn yesterday. I feel myself spiraling downward really fast and I am powerless to stop it. No worries about lose of life or anything, I'll never let myself sink that low again.

I wish I could find the woman I was as little as two months ago. I can't stomach this whiney tit bag that I am reducing myself too.

I just wanted to check in and say I'm ok.

Two weeks ago my life turned upside down. I was drowning. Today things are better. I'm still in a bit of deep water but at least I have the ability to come up for air when I need it.

The baby is still where she is supposed to be, although they think it won't be much longer until she shows up.

Hopefully we will find our new normal soon and I can get back here where I want to be.